Sunday, February 1, 2009

Who the Hell Has Time?: Signs Your Wife is NOT Having an Affair

Maybe it's the new bras; maybe it's the new blog. Hell, maybe it's Maybelline. But last night my DH - actually, I find that far too cutesy. Please be advised that, depending on my mood, the D can stand for 'damn', 'dumbass', OR 'darling'. Or any number of things, I'm pretty creative that way.


Last night, my DH asked me, very gently and sincerely, if I am having an affair. Now this is generally not the appropriate response - I know he is just seeking affirmation of my love, blah blah blah, and I should be supportive and loving - but I said, "Oh, yeah. In allll my spare time, right?" Wait - what's that dripping sound? You guessed it: sarcasm. But seriously, with two kids, a mild home-cleanliness obsession, dinners to cook, blogs to write, Facebook to check, honestly: who has time?

So: seven signs your wife is NOT having an affair.

1. She
claims to be going to the gym, but then leaves the house dressed in (get this!) unflattering gym clothes, no makeup and stinky runners and returns home sweaty, tired, and able to do more push-ups than you. (Ouch! Little jab there, dear.)

2. She receives no mysterious phone calls, and in fact:
no phone calls at all!

3. She says she's "just checking her Facebook", but when you sneak a peek at her computer you find her
checking her Facebook! Maybe even playing WordTwist!

4. After having at best an ... er ...
relaxed approach to leg hair removal over the past several years, she starts to not shave her legs! Just like before!

5. She
claims to be "taking the kids to see a movie" or "pick up a few things at the grocery store", and then takes the kids to see a movie! Or returns home with groceries! Oh, the humanity!

6. The bra-delivery man turned out to be totally fugly. And the mailman's a woman. Also fugly.

7. She hasn't actually
left the house for longer than a half-hour without a screaming infant in tow for nearly a year.

So rest easy, my damn, darling husband. You're the only one for me.

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