Friday, May 30, 2014

Missed Connections > Fieldwork

Assiniboia Co-op - W4M

We made eye contact in the Foreign Foods aisle. I know I felt a connection; did you? Tell me how many bottles of SPF 60 I bought so I can tell it's really you. Hoping to hear back...

Shaunavon Frosty Treat - W4M

Thanks for helping me pick all those ticks off my clothes - you know what they say, a friend in need is a friend indeed! So message me if you see this. Tell me what colours of flagging tape I had hanging out of my pockets to weed out spam. 

Maidstone Motel - W4M

Haha, the walls are SO thin here! I could hear you belching, which means you could probably hear me farting. It's like we're already past that awkward 'polite' stage together! Let's be gassy together, shall we?

Weyburn Boston Pizza - W4M

I thought it was cute the way you laughed nervously and let me in the restaurant anyway even though I pretty much looked like a homeless crazy person - pretty sure there was a spark there. Tell me why my pants were duct taped to my ankles to help weed out spam.

Oyen Subway - W4M

We made some serious eye contact over the veggies, and you didn't seem to judge me for my sunscreen-and-dirt 'stache or for getting a footlong sub and three cookies after a hard day of work, so we could probably get along alright. Let me know whether I had my sub toasted or not so I know it's really you.

Maple Creek Laundromat - W4M

There was you, washing your dirty coveralls, and there was me, shoveling taco salad like I just made a jail break from fat camp. We made awkward small talk over the folding table and tried not to notice each others' gotch. (I hope you only noticed my good ones, not my field ones, haha!) Let me know what colour the mystery sock that ended up in my load was so I know it's you.

Ponteix Bakery - W4M

I'm not actually pregnant, I just said that 'cause you were the only place open for a hundred miles and I wanted to pee in a real toilet instead of just in a field for a change. So, like, let's hang out sometime - I'm dying to know why the apple pie tastes sortof like onions!

Unity Prairie Moon Inn - W4M

We joked about the rubbery eggs and flaccid bacon in the breakfast buffet, even though I was wearing three-day old muddy clothes and everyone else seemed to be giving me a wide berth (possibly due to the faint boggy odour). That was real civilized of you. Maybe drop me a line sometime. Make sure you say what colour my Nomex were so I can tell you're you.

Swift Current Canadian Tire - W4M

I bought a lot of zip ties, bungee cords and duct tape and made a joke about building my field bondage kit; you backed away slowly. I know someone playing hard to get when I see it, you sly devil! (Or at least I think I do - it's been so long since I interacted with humans I'm starting to wonder a little, haha!) I hope you see this and contact me.

Provost IGA - W4booze

It was sweet of you to let me know I had mud in my ear and was bleeding lightly. I mean, I already knew those things 'cause it had been a rough day, but you seemed genuinely concerned. We could get a drink or something - I could really use some this week. Like about twenty. Let me know whether I used a cart or a basket so I can tell it's you.

Lafleche - W4COFFEE!

Seriously, is there nowhere to get a cup of coffee around here? This is insanity. I would kill for a double double. KILL. Also a pedicure. Don't bother calling, 'cause I am NEVER coming back.


I'm never wearing sunscreen or bug spray again, ever.

... Until next year.

OMG I miss the field already.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

So This Is Mother's Day

DH rolled over in bed yesterday morning and said, "Welp, I guess we had better clean the house today so you can have Mother's Day off tomorrow."

Wow, eh? I'll bet you're impressed all to heck. So was I, until he announced a short while later, "I cleaned the bathrooms," then settled in on the couch for the day with his laptop.

Oh. So not, like, the royal "we" at all. Or even the sortof egalitarian "we" one might foolishly hope for when it comes to the divvying up of household duties. More like... "me."

I worked extra hard yesterday to make sure all the housework and laundry were done so the fam could "give me the day off" today. At one point - I can't quite recall whether I was washing floors, cooking, vacuuming, dusting, washing walls, bathing Small Fry, making a grocery list or cleaning the kitchen at the time - DH looked up from the couch and said, "Oh yeah. I started the laundry, too."

In case your level of impressed-ness has just jumped back up to "we'll clean the house" levels, please allow me to clarify the statistical dishonesty that is "I started the laundry." "I started the laundry" not only makes no claims as to the degree to which the laundering is or ever will be complete, it doesn't even hint at whether the intent actually exists to complete it. Nor have any promises been made regarding the quality control methods employed. (Are my clothes wrinkly as all hell because they have been sitting in the dryer for three days? Are my t-shirts nipple clamped to the drying rack? etc.) In short, "I started the laundry" is right up there with 'Up to 70% Off!' and 'Lose as Much as 20lbs!' in the annals of misleading advertising claims:

Seems pretty legit to me.

But don't cry for me, Argentina. If I hadn't done my standard (i.e., lion's) share of the housework (yes, including laundry) yesterday, I might have felt a weensy bit guilty about leveraging the bejeebus out of Mother's Day today. In fact, keeping all of yesterday's toilings firmly at the front of my mind gave me the emotional fortitude today to whine like a big fricking entitled baby about pretty much everything my heart desired: I wanna go to the peeeeeet stoooore. And also Urban Barn and Chaaapterrrs. Buy me this boooook. I want some froooozen yoooogurrrt. I wanna play Monooooopoly. I can't do yard work if I don't have any beeeeeer. Make me baked potaaaatoes for my special supper. I can't wash dishes on Moooother's Daaay! I reeeeallly need a baaaack ruuuub.

Seriously, best Mother's Day I've ever had. Ever. I'm already planning my itinerary for next year.