Sunday, May 11, 2014

So This Is Mother's Day

DH rolled over in bed yesterday morning and said, "Welp, I guess we had better clean the house today so you can have Mother's Day off tomorrow."

Wow, eh? I'll bet you're impressed all to heck. So was I, until he announced a short while later, "I cleaned the bathrooms," then settled in on the couch for the day with his laptop.

Oh. So not, like, the royal "we" at all. Or even the sortof egalitarian "we" one might foolishly hope for when it comes to the divvying up of household duties. More like... "me."

I worked extra hard yesterday to make sure all the housework and laundry were done so the fam could "give me the day off" today. At one point - I can't quite recall whether I was washing floors, cooking, vacuuming, dusting, washing walls, bathing Small Fry, making a grocery list or cleaning the kitchen at the time - DH looked up from the couch and said, "Oh yeah. I started the laundry, too."

In case your level of impressed-ness has just jumped back up to "we'll clean the house" levels, please allow me to clarify the statistical dishonesty that is "I started the laundry." "I started the laundry" not only makes no claims as to the degree to which the laundering is or ever will be complete, it doesn't even hint at whether the intent actually exists to complete it. Nor have any promises been made regarding the quality control methods employed. (Are my clothes wrinkly as all hell because they have been sitting in the dryer for three days? Are my t-shirts nipple clamped to the drying rack? etc.) In short, "I started the laundry" is right up there with 'Up to 70% Off!' and 'Lose as Much as 20lbs!' in the annals of misleading advertising claims:

Seems pretty legit to me.

But don't cry for me, Argentina. If I hadn't done my standard (i.e., lion's) share of the housework (yes, including laundry) yesterday, I might have felt a weensy bit guilty about leveraging the bejeebus out of Mother's Day today. In fact, keeping all of yesterday's toilings firmly at the front of my mind gave me the emotional fortitude today to whine like a big fricking entitled baby about pretty much everything my heart desired: I wanna go to the peeeeeet stoooore. And also Urban Barn and Chaaapterrrs. Buy me this boooook. I want some froooozen yoooogurrrt. I wanna play Monooooopoly. I can't do yard work if I don't have any beeeeeer. Make me baked potaaaatoes for my special supper. I can't wash dishes on Moooother's Daaay! I reeeeallly need a baaaack ruuuub.

Seriously, best Mother's Day I've ever had. Ever. I'm already planning my itinerary for next year.

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