Saturday, July 31, 2010

Cheese With That?

DH and I just spent our first day alone (like, together, and without kids) in approximately two and a half years. That's like, a seriously long time. Long enough that at first, I think we sortof both looked at each other and thought, 'Who are you?' But we ended up having a super-duper awesome time. DH even humoured me enough to go on several winery tours and endure wine tasting after wine tasting. How sweet is that? I mean, he doesn't even like wine!

is it time? is it time?

Or at least, he never did before. But on our little getaway, between the swishings and the gurglings, DH arrived at something of an epiphany: it's not that he doesn't like wine. It's that he only likes really good wine. Any wines he happened to have tasted earlier on in life simply didn't live up to his - heretofore undiscovered - exacting standards. 

it's time?! don't worry sweetie, you're going to be amazing

I almost couldn't believe my luck. I dropped hundreds of dollars on wine, and he didn't even bat an eye.

come on, you can do it honey

At first I thought - alright! Something we'll have in common, aside from a mortgage and, you know, some offspring. We can drink wine together. It'll be fun!

just a little more, you're doing great

And then this transpired:

DH: *gasp!* You can't drink pinot noir out of a mug!
Me: But it holds more than a glass.
DH: Oh. My. God. Is that all it's about for you? What about the colour? The clarity? The viscosity?! It's like I don't even know you anymore. (flounces off)
Me: Jeez, relax, it's not like I was going to dunk cookies in it or anything.

push! puuuuuuush!
Omigod omigod, you did it, it's here, it's a...

Which probably should have set off some alarm bells for me, but as mentioned there was a mug of wine involved at the time. So it took me a few more incidences of a similar nature before I really cottoned on to the fact there might be a problem:

"You can't open that yet, it needs to be cellared!"
"No no, dear, that doesn't really pair with taco salad. I'll just tuck it safely back in the fridge and pour you a nice glass of water instead."
"Why don't we have a proper decanter in this godforsaken house?"
"You're holding your glass incorrectly - grasp it by the stem. The stem!"

... it's a wine snob?

Now in a case like this, the natural response would be to throw the hubby out with the bathwater. Instead, I just held his head under it for a few moments while I collected my thoughts. Because, in the grand scheme of marital issues, this was nothing a good old-fashioned heart-to-heart couldn't fix.

Me: Darling, you know how, after all these years together, we're comfortable enough that we are truly free to be ourselves with one another?
DH: Like how you laugh at me all the time?
Me: With, dear. Laugh with.
DH: Okay...
Me: Well, that's what it's like with me and wine. Wine and I are tight. Wine doesn't mind if I drink it through a straw, or pair it with a peanut butter sandwich for breakfast - that's just how our relationship works. I respect that you're not at that place yet, but you have to understand that I am, and all your rules are seriously cork-blocking things for me.
DH: I'm sorry, dear. This is just all so new to me.
Me: I know, but with time you'll get there. Until then, I'm here to help. Merlot?

Tuesday, July 27, 2010


Frecklpelt: Good evening, everyone. Some of you may be wondering why I've called this family meeting today.

DH (chewing): It's, uh, suppertime isn't it?

FP: Well, yes, that too, but it was the only way I could ensure a captive audience. Now who would like to transcribe the meeting minutes?

... ...

FP: Alrighty, well I guess I'll just do it then. (ahem) I've called you here today to discuss something of a ... a corporate restructuring, you might say. Now, I know this is a little radical for a family of our size, but I think you will all be pleased with the improvements I have in mind.

(chewing sounds)

FP: In light of your valuable contributions... yes, dear?

Medium Fry: Can you please pass me the ketchup?

FP: Well, of course, but it's rude to interrupt. Just lean over the table next time. Now where was I? Ah, yes: In light of your valuable contributions to the family, which I value highly in my evaluation of your values, valuevaluevalue, I would like to extend to each of you the exciting offer of a more euphemistic job title.

M: What's euphemistic?

FP: It means way better.

DH: We didn't have titles to begin with.

FP: Well! Some titles are certainly better than no titles, right? Your friends will be so impressed! Small Fry, how would you like to be the Destruction Engineer?

Small Fry: No!

FP: Okay then, how about the, um, Cookie Eating Operative?

S: No!

FP: Do you like ice cream?

S: No!

FP: Alrighty, Destruction Engineer it is. Medium Fry, how would you like to be the Chief Gofer and Personal Assistant to the Grand Poobah?

M: Uh... can I be a Cookie Eating Operative instead?

FP: No.

M: Why not?

FP: Because not everyone can eat cookies all the time.

M: You do.

FP: Hey, that's not very nice - I'm striking that from the meeting minutes. Fine, whatever. We'll all call ourselves CEOs. I just don't think it's going to mean as much as it's supposed to if everyone is called the same thing. DH, I suppose you want to be a CEO as well?

DH: Whatever you say, dear.

FP: That's the spirit. You can be a CEO and Associate to the Grand Poobah. And General Household Maintenance, Lawn Care and Spider Dispatching Engineer.

DH: Can I be a Cake Eating Operative?

FP: Hmm, okay.

DH: Chocolate Cake Eating Operative?

FP: Fine! Who cares! Whatever kind of cake you want!

M: Can I have chocolate cake, too?

S: Need chocolate cake!

FP: Shut up about the cake already you morons, we don't even have cake! How about some Mini Wheats for dessert, my little tombliboo? Chief Gofer! Fetch your brother some Mini Wheats.

Okay, so far we have a CEO and Destruction Engineer; a CEO, Chief Gofer, and Personal Assistant to the Grand Poobah; a ChocolateCakeEO, Associate to the Grand Poobah, and General Household Maintenance, Lawn Care and Spider Dispatching Engineer; and now I just need a title!

You may have surmised that I have decided on Grand Poobah for my own title. It wouldn't be fair for me to have to sit out while you all eat dessert, so I'll also be a CEO, plus I've decided to adopt the descriptive - yet concise - term, MILF.

DH: Dear Lord.

M: Hey, mom? Will I get more allowance now that I have a new name?

FP: Of course not, dear. But don't be sad - a nice craft will perk you up! Why don't you go make everybody some new business cards?

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Strumpet in Aisle Seven

Camping isn't quite the same experience as it was back in the days B.C. (Before Children). Don't get me wrong, it's still tarploads of fun, but I spent much of our most recent camping weekend making sure everyone had enough sunscreen, bug spray, fluids, fruits and vegetables, potty breaks, clean socks, etc. etc., and these tasks, while very important!, left little time for camping activities of old, namely:

- binge drinking;

- and associated activities.

One thing that has stayed the same A.D. (After Delivery) is camping food. Camping food is by definition of low nutritional value, which everyone knows gives you free reign to eat lots of it.

But a funny thing happened while I was doing the camping grocery run: so I walked past this couple in the 'natural foods' aisle (don't fret, just passing through on my way to the 'unnatural foods' aisle). The woman appeared to be comparing fourteen brands of organic quinoa; her hubby, however, was staring at me. Ogling me, really. Longingly.

Guess I haven't gotten much in the way of openly lustful gazes lately, because I actually stopped and checked behind me to see who he was looking at. Nope - no one around but me and this heaping cart of red meat and potato chips. And marshmallows and hot dogs and...

Ooohhhh. The cart.

Well, damn.

This actually happened more than once during the same shopping trip. I felt like the pied piper! In all my years of grocery shopping, four-litre jugs of milk and family-sized bags of apples have never had that kind of effect. If I ever find myself single again, pushing a cart full of macho foods seems like a surefire tactic for meeting men. I'll sprinkle liberally with boxes of condoms to make myself appear hungry and horny. What man could resist!

Slightly modified, this could work equally well for single men**: simply stuff a cart with kittens and babies, and just watch the chicks roll in!

** You might want to skip the, er, garnish on this one - it could be interpreted as giving the wrong idea.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Menu of Pain

I recently signed up for a fitcamp. You know, one of those bootcamp-style fitness programs that makes people cry publicly and sweat blood and stuff like that. What was I thinking? Well, I was thinking several things:

1. Look at that lard ass! I seriously need to do something about it. Hey, here's an ad for a fitness camp. I'll try that.

2a. That sounds like a poor idea.
2b. How bad can it be?
2c. It's probably going to be pretty bad.
2d. Well, a little public humiliation never hurt anyone.
2e. It hurts me.
2f. You're such a whiner.
2g. Piss off.

3. Face it, no matter how pathetic I am, there's always someone worse. No excuses. I'll just stick close to That Person, and no one will notice me.

So I signed up for fitcamp.

Apparently all the other That People stayed home this week, because it was painfully and repeatedly (and sweatingly-wheezingly-jigglingly) brought to my attention that I am That Person: I am the person who makes all the other people look good.

Like, really good.

I would have thought it would bother me to be so patently lousy at something, but you know what? I hardly even minded. I'm not even all that zen about the world, it's just that, if I was hoping for a That Person, then other fitcampers probably were too. (In fact, a few looked like they may have gotten de facto promotions out of the role when I joined up.) Those people are probably pretty grateful for my presence - possibly a little repulsed, too, but still grateful - and it's always nice to be appreciated.

So every day the trainer has a whole new set of exercises for us to do. It must be a lot like menu planning, just with muscle groups instead of food groups. I can tell he's really working that food pyramid, because my everything hurts - a lot. I couldn't wash the top of my hair on Monday morning because my arms hurt too much to lift them to my head. I sortof lathered up the bottom and hoped for some form of soapmosis to trickle up to my scalp.

And then I had DH do up my bra hooks for me.

(2h. Told you so.)