Saturday, November 27, 2010

Or Was It "Trim the Hedges"?

I saw this old Kenny and Dolly Christmas album at Wal-Mart on CD last week and I just had to have it. I hadn't listened to that album in ages!

And apparently, back when I last listened to it, I didn't really hear it, because I was completely scandalized by some of the lyrics - "a fast talkin' lover with some slooow burnin' wood"?!? "Wrap the tree and trim the presents"!?! My gawd, Dolly! And you Kenny, obviously encouraging that sort of behaviour! For shame! What the hell kind of Christmas album sings the praises of random ski chalet hookups?

My kind of Christmas album, that's what. Once I got over the shock, I tossed my other CDs out the window and cranked it up. Springtime feelings indeed. Given my innocent botanical leanings and all, I used to think that meant, like, being happy that plants were starting to grow again or something. Consider me edumacated.

In fact, there really is something about this time of year that gives me a hankering for a moustache ride. Can't quite put my finger on it - is it the chilly weather? the Kenny and Dolly CD? the apples? Wait, I know! It must be the charming manner in which so many men are putting themselves out there this Movember and donating their faces (and, variously, their pride; their fashion sense; and quite possibly their sex lives) for one full month a year to raise awareness (and cash) for men's health.

So, seriously. If there's a man in your life - and don't tell me there isn't, I'm a biologist, I know how you got here - go here. Donate. It's for a Most excellent cause.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Frankly, I'd Probably be Happy if I Could Get in 5 to 10 a Month

I just love the Calgary Farmer's Market. So it was with a heavy heart that I visited this week, likely one of the last few times I'll shop there before it moves to Timbuktu (i.e., southeast Calgary).

However, my mood started to improve somewhere around the fruit stand - I had been waffling between Galas and Ambrosias, when suddenly a provocative new apple variety caught my eye. Something about this particular bag of apples just seemed so... titillating. With their sensual curves and come-hither exocarps, I simply couldn't resist the temptation:

Now, as I understand it, people don't just go around naming apples willy-nilly. Apple names are purposefully descriptive: they are intended to convey meaning about what one can expect on biting into the apple. Knowing this, eight teensy dollars for a sack o' horney crisps seems like a helluva package deal. (Presuming there's anything to the name, I also saved a shwack of cash on truffles and rhino horns for DHs lunch box this week. Score.)

Unfortunately, the package overwrap was otherwise pretty uninformative, so several important questions remain:

- Will cooking reduce or enhance the appledesiac qualities of the horney crisp?
- What's the maximum safe daily dosage?
- Do I dose DH based on weight, desired effect, or some other formula?
- How long do horney crisps take to kick in, and just how long are the, er, "effects" expected to last?
- And, let's be honest here, I'm no spring chicken anymore ... can I actually handle Five To Ten A Day?