Thursday, June 14, 2018

Lovin' It

There used to be a regular at the McDonald's I worked at in high school who would order a double Quarter Pounder with extra grease every time he came through the drive-thru. And he was deadly serious about that extra grease - serious like the heart attack I wonder if he's had yet when I remember him now, twenty-plus years later. If he saw you were new to the job or felt you weren't taking his request heart-attackily enough, he would describe the exact method for making his custom grease burger: Cook the patties fresh, and do not drain them when you take them off the grill (you're supposed to sortof shake them off otherwise), then use the spatula to scrape up all the extra grease sitting on the grill and pour it over the patties.

... Delicious??

There was also the gal who always ordered a Big Mac with no meat, a "lady of the evening" (or more realistically, of the streets) who used the ladies' washroom as her place of, ahem, business, and an older woman who would insist that you press the "extra" button no less than 10 times when ordering her cheeseburger with extra pickles. She would then whip the burger open right on the counter to check that there was at least a half-inch slab of pickles inside, and either silently nod her approval and stalk briskly off with her pickleburger, or slam the counter in anger and demand! more! pickles!

As you might have already suspected, we found everything from dirty diapers to drug paraphernalia in the PlayPlace. A certain elderly gentleman couldn't seem to pronounce "fajita" and thus shyly ordered up two chicken vaginas every time he came through (thru?). One time, a little kid got his head stuck between the rungs of a chair and we had to grease him with a block of fryer vat shortening to get him out. Another time, a kid went "missing" and was eventually found standing - uninvited - under some woman's privacy cover, watching a complete fricking stranger nurse her baby.

(Oh, wait. That last one was Medium Fry, age 4 or so, when I was no longer the disgruntled employee but rather the profoundly embarrassed patron. What is it with PlayPlaces that brings out the weird in people?!)  

In short, by the time I had been there a couple of years months, I had all the world-weary indifference of a hardened fast food veteran: nothing anyone could order, say or do could surprise me. (Okay, until it was my own kid.) So one day when a friend of the family came through and ordered his meal with extra salt, I simply drawled, "How much salt do you want?"

"Haha! I was being facetious! Did you really think that I wanted extra salt with my McDonald's?!"

I stored the word facetious for later research, and thought of Extra Grease Man. "Um... yeah. I did."

He drove off chuckling to himself. Maybe he left with the impression that I was a very literal or humourless person - who knows. It wasn't that I felt the request for extra salt at a fast food joint was a particularly sound life choice, but in comparison to certain life choices I had seen people make while in the safe haven of mother McDonald's golden bosoms, let's just say that it was pretty low on the crazy scale.

I worked at that job for three and a half years. It paid for my orthodontics, my first basement apartment with the orange shag carpet that resembled Barkley from Sesame Street, and a great many sweet, sweet employee-discounted meals. With meat, mind you, and only the standard allotment of grease. I actually referenced my McJob at a professional interview years later, as an illustration of my experience dealing with crazy/angry/aggressive people. DH poked fun of me a bit for this, and I have no idea what my interviewers thought of it, but I stand by the decision - honestly, I can't think of a better place of employment for experience interacting with a wide variety of nutjobs.

As Medium Fry searches ever more frantically for a summer job - and she seems to be angling for one of the anything-but-fast-food variety - I hold a secret small hope that she will end up spending at least a little time at a McJob one day. It's a great place to earn a bit of perspective along with your pocket money, plus I feel it would really bring her full-circle from being the weird kid, to dealing with them.