Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Small Town Saturday Night

I don't have super high expectations of motel stays in small towns - I've learned that aiming low generally seems to be a decent way to approach most of life's slightly sketchy situations. You're much less likely to be disappointed (or disgusted) and much more likely to be thrilled about things that others with higher expectations of the world might have erroneously come to view as standard, like a working mini-fridge, say, or pillows that don't smell like they've been deep fried.

Come to think of it, lowered expectations may well be one of the key reasons I’m such a happy person. A more particular individual would have to write a scathing online review instead of a cheery blog, plus pay a lot more money for a better room somewhere else. Maybe somewhere they don’t fry their pillows.

But some things fall short of even my low bar. For instance, there is nothing quite like checking into a small-town motel at the end of a long day, only to discover popcorn and “hairs” IN the bed. I didn’t even know what my low bar was, exactly, until that moment of discovery, but it was immediately clear to me that IN the bed happens to be precisely where I draw the line.

My second thought after discovering my low bar setting was, “Aw, that guy must have been lonely.”

Another moment of clarity: apparently I feel like I can divine a lot about someone by the motel room debris they have left behind. Just imagine what the folks who actually clean (or in this case, “clean”) the rooms must know about their temporary tenants!

Third moment: I solemnly resolve to be more aware of the forensic judgement opportunities I present to cleaning staff.

But if I were to leave behind motel bed fillings for some other plucky traveler to find, what would really speak to my motel experience, in the way Mr. Prolly Jerking Off While Watching a Shitty Movie’s popcorn and pubes seemingly spoke to his? I’ve given this some serious consideration the past few days, and I propose that my motel story would best be told with Triscuit crumbs and dessicated plant fragments: Ms. Late Night Botany Session.

Monday, June 1, 2015


The nature of impermanence: parenting edition*.

a. Amount for eligible dependant - check.
b. "You're the bestest Mommy ever!"
c. Age 4.**
d. Chores Chart.
e. Fresh batch of cookies.
f. "Everyone empty their bladders before we leave."
g. Wow, no one is sick right now.
h. "This is my favourite food!"
i. "My Legos are all picked up!"
j. The house is clea... aww.
k. The laundry is d.... aww.
l. This will be a fun craft.

* Decreasing exponential scale.
** Perceived time may be significantly greater than actually experienced.