Monday, June 27, 2011

Monotamy? Monogony? Kemo Sabe?

How To Keep Sex Interesting in Marriage

Tip #08: Role Play.
Wear your sleep mask; pretend you're the Lone Ranger.

Tip #13: Keep It Fresh.
Wear your flannel nightgown; pretend you're Laura Ingalls Wilder.

Tip #45: Mix Things Up.
Wear your apron; pretend you're Martha Stewart.

Tip #52: Try Something New.
Wear nothing to bed. Pretend you're you and he's him.
(Super trippy, eh?)

 (Who was that masked woman anyway?)

Friday, June 24, 2011

Helpful is the New Hunky

So about three weeks ago I reported to you that I was the proud new owner of two cases of wine, and - what's that? I said three before? Hmm, you must be mistaken, because surely I couldn't have consumed an entire case of wine already...

But that's beside the point: this week, I won another work prize draw! This time I came home with a pound of excellent coffee. Everything's coming up Frecklepelt! What really impresses me is how all these work prizes are geared toward my favourite vices. Coffee to get me going before 9am - wine to keep me going after that - man, I can't wait for the next draw! Carton of smokes and a hunky fireman for sure!

Those folks at the office, they really know how to keep a hedonist like myself coming back every Monday.

(And Wednesday...)

Hmm, DH seems to be objecting to the idea of "hunky fireman as vice". No, no, dear - you misunderstand - I just want someone to, uh... carry me around... over their shoulder... firemen do that, right? You see, I've been having this trouble with my, uh, knee, yeah knee, that makes it hard for me to get up the stairs sometimes after a bottle of wine, and a fireman could really help me out with that little problem. 'Cause that's, like, part of their training or something. Carrying middle-aged inebriated ladies up the stairs. They're good at that.

Which is why women like them. Hunky firemen. They're so... helpful.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Woman of Loose Morels

DH and I went morel hunting today out at a friend's place. Our friend hates mushrooms, so we assured her we could help out with the "fungal infestation" she said she was having trouble with on her property. (Sadly, she also has a wood paneling infestation, which was beyond our powers to address.) Turns out I'm a pretty good mushroom finder - must have picked that up at work or something - and we made out like bandits with probably two hundred bucks' worth of the gorgeous little wrinkly critters.

If you can call something that looks like a cross between a citrus reamer and a decomposing kitchen sponge "gorgeous". But I'm also pretty good at appreciating, er, "under-charismatic" plants - another little something I guess I picked up at work.

As I understand things, it's good manners to use a mesh collecting bag when hunting mushrooms. That way the mushrooms you're taking still get a kick at spreading their spores. (Hey, when you're that ugly you need all the help you can get.) I was feeling pretty altruistic about my role as wingman - "my friend Morley, he's a real fun guy" - until we got back to our car and noticed a faint yellowish tinge on her normally sleek black exterior.

Yellow? Yellow dust? What the heck?

Oh, wow. Pollen, and lots of it.

Come to think of it, probably spores, too.

I peered at our mushroom bag with new suspicion. My gawd. These things don't need my help. In fact, they've got so much to spare that they're indiscriminately blowing it over the whole of creation, Hyundai Sonatas and all. It's a regular chlorophorgy out there! Maybe even a plantgasm!

I shook my fist at the mushrooms. "Hey! You dirty bastards! My car is not that kind of girl, you hear me? I don't want no funny business on the ride home, alright?"

I can't prove anything, but I am sure they spored all over the back seat on the drive home. *sigh* Really, what can you expect from a bunch of loose morels like that?

Sunday, June 5, 2011


Today's post has been forsaken in favour of less productive activities, namely:

I call it "View from a Hammock." Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh. Lovely.

See you next week.