Saturday, June 18, 2011

Woman of Loose Morels

DH and I went morel hunting today out at a friend's place. Our friend hates mushrooms, so we assured her we could help out with the "fungal infestation" she said she was having trouble with on her property. (Sadly, she also has a wood paneling infestation, which was beyond our powers to address.) Turns out I'm a pretty good mushroom finder - must have picked that up at work or something - and we made out like bandits with probably two hundred bucks' worth of the gorgeous little wrinkly critters.

If you can call something that looks like a cross between a citrus reamer and a decomposing kitchen sponge "gorgeous". But I'm also pretty good at appreciating, er, "under-charismatic" plants - another little something I guess I picked up at work.

As I understand things, it's good manners to use a mesh collecting bag when hunting mushrooms. That way the mushrooms you're taking still get a kick at spreading their spores. (Hey, when you're that ugly you need all the help you can get.) I was feeling pretty altruistic about my role as wingman - "my friend Morley, he's a real fun guy" - until we got back to our car and noticed a faint yellowish tinge on her normally sleek black exterior.

Yellow? Yellow dust? What the heck?

Oh, wow. Pollen, and lots of it.

Come to think of it, probably spores, too.

I peered at our mushroom bag with new suspicion. My gawd. These things don't need my help. In fact, they've got so much to spare that they're indiscriminately blowing it over the whole of creation, Hyundai Sonatas and all. It's a regular chlorophorgy out there! Maybe even a plantgasm!

I shook my fist at the mushrooms. "Hey! You dirty bastards! My car is not that kind of girl, you hear me? I don't want no funny business on the ride home, alright?"

I can't prove anything, but I am sure they spored all over the back seat on the drive home. *sigh* Really, what can you expect from a bunch of loose morels like that?

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