Wednesday, April 8, 2015

I Also Hate the Park

So I read this article the other day that purported to confess all the ways in which the author, a mom blogger, didn't "do it all" as a parent.

I am all about confessions. Confess away. Sometimes it's nice to get things off your chest. But I took issue with the article, because this woman's "confessions" were 100% Grade A horse puckey.

She confessed to not wearing makeup every day. Gasp!

To occasionally feeling too sick to play with her kids. Uh - gasp?

To not answering the dryer immediately when it buzzed, with such regularity that she had never folded a basket of warm towels.

Okay - I can't even fake surprise anymore. Or interest. These things have nothing to do with anything - not parenting, not "doing it all", not even just being a regular ol' human of any stripe. You fold warm towels? That's fine. You don't? That's fine, too. But to pretend it was ever somehow the goal is ludicrous - this was clearly a humblebrag in the skin of a confessional, and I just won't stand for it. Most parents are doing the best with what they've got, and they deserve better.

I would like to offer up some of my own parental musings to counter the false perfectionism that some folks seem to want to stuff down other people's throats:
  • Subsequent Child Ambivalence. Ohmygawd I can't believe I'm starting this all over again.
  • Incremental Returns of Freedom. Buckling their own seatbelts. Zipping their own jackets. Packing their own lunches. Tiny wins, but by golly they're like a gulp of fresh air when you've been immersed for so long in the daily grind of little humans. 
  • Outsourcing. Homemade has never felt as good as sane. 
  • Difficult Truths. Sometimes, your kids will be real a-holes. It's okay to notice this.
  • Adulthood Fatigue. When is it my turn to throw a tantrum?
  • Gentle Tyranny I. They stay up later than you, every night of the week. You will never have a moment alone again. 
  • Gentle Tyranny II. Or sex - you will never have that again either. Nothing kills the mood like knowing your teenager is quietly doing math homework in the kitchen, directly beneath your bedroom.
  • Reducing Entropy. I fantasize - actually, truly fantasize - about the day the kids move out and I can live in a clean house. That stays clean. In fact, some days I think DH can just go ahead and move out too - then NO ONE will walk on my clean floors ever, ever again, and I will be able to die happy.
  • The Sound of Silence. I misses it so.
And if this is not enough for you - if you are really having a tough go of things this day (or week, or year) - and all you want is to know that someone out there is doing just as lousy as you feel you're doing right now, or maybe even worse ('cause sometimes that makes one feel a little better)... there's always the Scary Mommy Confessional. Plus wine.

Go in peace.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

The Laundry Cycle

The Laundry Cycle is the biopseudophysical cycle by which clothing is exchanged between the Humansphere, Hampersphere, Kenmoresphere and Closetsphere of the Earth. The natural processes that comprise a balanced cycle are depicted in Figure 1.

Figure 1: The Laundry Cycle

Some amount of seasonal variation is known to occur in the Laundry Cycle, with direct Human-Kenmore  transmission ("Slopperation") increasing with precipitation events (particularly in toddler and school-age forms of laundry) (Small Fry 2008-2015); direct Kenmore-Human Transmogrification increasing in chilly months (DH et al. 2015); and Clotheslinerization increasing in pleasant weather (Mulhern-Davidson et al. 2009+).

The effects of disruption of the Laundry Cycle vary depending on the phase that is disrupted; the magnitude of the disruption; and the timing of the disruption. For example, family dinner at the local Indian restaurant is known to vastly increase the rate of laundry movement directly between the Humansphere and Kenmoresphere, due to Slopperation (DH et al. 2014). A delay in movement of laundry from the Hampersphere to the Kenmoresphere may increase the rate of emergency reutilization, particularly of environmentally limiting forms of laundry such as underwear (Medium Fry 2010, 2014). Conversely, uncharacteristically efficient movement of laundry through the Kenmoresphere into the Closetsphere has been demonstrated to result in the wearing of the same t-shirt to work on Wednesday as one wore to work on Monday, often resulting in mild embarrassment on the part of the Humansphere in question (Frecklepelt, this week).

On occasion, the Hampersphere and Kenmoresphere may temporarily be observed to be entirely free of laundry. This exceedingly rare occurrence is known as "The Laundry is Done"; however, the state appears to violate some law(s) of physics, as it is unfailingly fleeting (AME* dawn of time-present).

* All Moms Everywhere