Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Upgrade!

Frecklpelt: Good evening, everyone. Some of you may be wondering why I've called this family meeting today.

DH (chewing): It's, uh, suppertime isn't it?

FP: Well, yes, that too, but it was the only way I could ensure a captive audience. Now who would like to transcribe the meeting minutes?

... ...

FP: Alrighty, well I guess I'll just do it then. (ahem) I've called you here today to discuss something of a ... a corporate restructuring, you might say. Now, I know this is a little radical for a family of our size, but I think you will all be pleased with the improvements I have in mind.

(chewing sounds)

FP: In light of your valuable contributions... yes, dear?

Medium Fry: Can you please pass me the ketchup?

FP: Well, of course, but it's rude to interrupt. Just lean over the table next time. Now where was I? Ah, yes: In light of your valuable contributions to the family, which I value highly in my evaluation of your values, valuevaluevalue, I would like to extend to each of you the exciting offer of a more euphemistic job title.

M: What's euphemistic?

FP: It means way better.

DH: We didn't have titles to begin with.

FP: Well! Some titles are certainly better than no titles, right? Your friends will be so impressed! Small Fry, how would you like to be the Destruction Engineer?

Small Fry: No!

FP: Okay then, how about the, um, Cookie Eating Operative?

S: No!

FP: Do you like ice cream?

S: No!

FP: Alrighty, Destruction Engineer it is. Medium Fry, how would you like to be the Chief Gofer and Personal Assistant to the Grand Poobah?

M: Uh... can I be a Cookie Eating Operative instead?

FP: No.

M: Why not?

FP: Because not everyone can eat cookies all the time.

M: You do.

FP: Hey, that's not very nice - I'm striking that from the meeting minutes. Fine, whatever. We'll all call ourselves CEOs. I just don't think it's going to mean as much as it's supposed to if everyone is called the same thing. DH, I suppose you want to be a CEO as well?

DH: Whatever you say, dear.

FP: That's the spirit. You can be a CEO and Associate to the Grand Poobah. And General Household Maintenance, Lawn Care and Spider Dispatching Engineer.

DH: Can I be a Cake Eating Operative?

FP: Hmm, okay.

DH: Chocolate Cake Eating Operative?

FP: Fine! Who cares! Whatever kind of cake you want!

M: Can I have chocolate cake, too?

S: Need chocolate cake!

FP: Shut up about the cake already you morons, we don't even have cake! How about some Mini Wheats for dessert, my little tombliboo? Chief Gofer! Fetch your brother some Mini Wheats.

Okay, so far we have a CEO and Destruction Engineer; a CEO, Chief Gofer, and Personal Assistant to the Grand Poobah; a ChocolateCakeEO, Associate to the Grand Poobah, and General Household Maintenance, Lawn Care and Spider Dispatching Engineer; and now I just need a title!

You may have surmised that I have decided on Grand Poobah for my own title. It wouldn't be fair for me to have to sit out while you all eat dessert, so I'll also be a CEO, plus I've decided to adopt the descriptive - yet concise - term, MILF.

DH: Dear Lord.

M: Hey, mom? Will I get more allowance now that I have a new name?

FP: Of course not, dear. But don't be sad - a nice craft will perk you up! Why don't you go make everybody some new business cards?

1 comment: