Thursday, February 5, 2009


If sandwiches had their own Hinterland Who's Who, they would be praised for their adaptability and humility. I can hear the little whistly tune right now...

Now, people blame all sorts of crap on their parents, "It's my bad genes", "They beat me with a rubber chicken", blah blah blah. But Dad, this one really is your fault: I hate sandwiches.

My dad likes sandwiches. He likes them for their ease of preparation and frugality, which I think you'll agree is a far cry from liking them for their diversity and endless gourmet applications. So lunches went something like this: two slices white bread, plus matter that fit between slices.**

** Not to be confused with matter that should be placed between slices of bread.

Sample menu:

- Drugstore Foundation with Pickle Morsels (aka. Kraft Sandwich Spread) (I guess calling it anything other than Big Jar of Awful is basically a complete fabrication, but note that it is not called Kraft Sandwich Filling.)

- Sliced Cold Meatloaf, avec Slippery Tomato Skin that Adheres to the Roof of your Mouth.

- Single Cheese-Type Slice plus Lettuce Leaf.

- Mustard. (Yep, only mustard.)

- Tinned Pork By-Product.

- Cottage cheese.

Cottage cheese is what really ruined sandwiches for me. You see, Dad figured it would be even more "economical" if he bought unsliced bread and sliced it himself, reeeeal thin-like. He's a talented fellow, could get about seventy-two sandwiches of a loaf that way, and cottage cheese bulged out the bottom of those sandwiches like Alien bulged out of that dude's abdomen - "Killlll meeeee..."

But I believe that there is good to be had from every experience, so if you'll excuse me I am off to pack my DD a decadent, sandwich-free lunch. I'm planning on ruining her life in my own unique way.

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