Saturday, April 11, 2009

Murphy vs. Darwin

Have I ever mentioned that I love the prairies? Some people just don't get it: "There's nothing there, what's there to like about them?" Now, I could wax poetic about the wide open spaces and Lands of Living Skies, but as we all know waxing is painful so I won't bother. And shaving is annoying, so I might not bother with that, either.

But what I will do is tell you about the great solidarity I feel with many prairie critters: the majestic elk; the fleet pronghorn; the
sharp-tailed grouse and deer and northern harrier. Heck, even the lowly jackrabbit. Think about it, folks: on the prairies, the large, white rump is sexy. Everyone's got one. I fit right in! In fact, so many of we prairie-dwellers have big white butts that I'd like to propose it might even confer some sort of evolutionary advantage 'round these parts. 

... Frankly, not sure what that might be. I suppose in a pinch, one could signal for help with one's high posterior albedo.

Oh my gawd, maybe that is it! I know I have been busted taking a leak on the prairies an inordinate number of times - I suppose rather than cursing them for sneaking up on me out of nowhere, I should instead apologize to all the surveyors and pasture riders who innocently believed they were answering a distress call. I'm sorry, Midwest Surveys and Altus Geomatics staff members. I'm sorry, fellow on brown horse. And fellow on grey horse. And fellow on Honda ATV. It's just that I thought I was alone in that wetland/beside my truck/behind that sagebrush in the middle of fucking nowhere and I had no idea how you could possibly have picked the precise moment I was having a pee, out of all the hours in the day I spent outside, to materialize and scare the... well, I had no pants on at the time, as you are aware, but seriously - can you blame me for being upset?

So ladies, the next time you plan on doing some field work in the prairies, mix a dab of self-tanning lotion in with the Off! you apply to your butt before you get dressed in the morning. It may just serve to muffle your distress signal enough to sneak in the occasional witness-free bio break.

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