Sunday, April 5, 2009

I'm in a New York (Striploin) State of Mind...

Perhaps you've noticed I like to save this space for whining about DH - I know he certainly has - but there's no time like the present to break the mold. Or mix metaphors. Two stoned birds with one hand in the bush, you know.

Hot dog, that just sounds dirty. Now I know it's a good night for blogging.

Today I'd like to complain about vegetarians. No no no, don't get me wrong: I like vegetarianism, it's a great plan, and even more kudos to you if you can choke down Tofurky, but I tend to consider myself more of an omnivore. Heavy on the omni.

What pisses me off are people who claim to be vegetarians, but really aren't. Say, a grown woman forcing her octegenarian grandmother to go prepare her a different meal at a family barbeque because, "I'm a vegetarian! I can't eat this stuff!" (Try again, I don't think you read that loudly enough - a fifty-foot radius of relatives needs to hear so they can fuss over you.) On further questioning, however, it turns out said gal eats fish, poultry and game... just not beef.

Vegetarian, eh? I think what you meant to say was, "I'm a finicky princess who needs attention."

I recently heard of a term for the 'casual' vegetarian: they like to call themselves flexitarians. Well, hot damn! That makes it sound far less annoying. But, uh... I'm still confused here: why bother calling yourself a vegetarian at all if you're, like, you know, NOT? So let's get out our pencils and add a special Post-It in our dictionaries so we can remember this new and groovy term if it ever comes up in conversation:

flexitarian [flex uh TAR ee yun] n. I'm not really a vegetarian at all.

And in fact, let's work on witty retorts for the next time you're having a dinner party and someone tries to put that flexitarian bullshit over on you. Some ideas:

mexitarian - I'm a vegetarian except for those little crispy-fried meat rolls you get at Taco Time.
Texitarian - I only eat really large portions of meat.
vexitarian - I only eat meat whem I'm stressed out.
sexitarian - The only meat I eat is... (actually, my dad reads this, I'm so not going there.)
hexitarian - Got nothing for this one, sorry.
existentialitarian - Those cows were gonna die anyways, why wouldn't I eat them?

There you go. Now you're armed and dangerous. But you would have won the fight, anyways - they were probably too anemic to offer much resistance.

1 comment: