Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Who is Santa Claus?

That was a rhetorical question. I already know who Santa Claus is. Katie Holmes is Santa Claus.


I k
now. You are currently marvelling at the wealth of esoteric knowledge I have in my humble possession. And while it is wonderful to be me, don't think for a minute that it doesn't involve significant time and energy on my part to amass such a mental cornucopia. So just how did I unearth this stunning revelation? Is it because I laugh when I see her in spite of myself? Well, that too, but that's got more to do with her poor taste in men, and I laugh at a lot of people so that's generally a pretty poor criterion for me to use.

happened was this: Not long ago, I was walking alongside an incredibly fat man in downtown Calgary, savouring the rare sensation of being The Thin One in our - albeit fleeting - relationship (mental note: in next life, marry large so as to procure favourable comparisons). As I sauntered along enjoying the shade this fellow provided, I thought to myself, what the world really needs is more overpriced apparel designed specifically for the perfect Size 2 figure. But jeez Louise, no matter how hard I tried to figure it out, I just don't know how to make that kind of magic happen all by my lonesome. So that night I called in the biggest guns I know to assist me in my quest: I wrote a letter to old Saint Nick.

Nick, I wrote - we're pretty tight, I can call him that - I've been a really good girl this year. I've cut back on swearing sortof and tried out some new recipes and, uh... flossed my teeth regularly. And in return for all my hard work and firm gums, I have to ask for this one little thing from you. No, it's not necessarily for me - it's for all of humanity. Because I'm a good girl that way. And what humanity really, really needs is more overpriced apparel designed specifically for the perfect Size 2 figure.

While you're at it, could you maybe toss in some similarly overpriced children's wear - you know, the kind you can't let them actually wear for fear of the little beasts committing Dirt and Destruction on them. Thanks, man.



The very next day, I saw on the Yahoo! Canada home page - that bastion of high-quality breaking news stories - that Katie Holmes is starting her very own clothing line! And one for toddlers, too! My first thought was, I am in so good with Santa that I don't even have to wait 'til Christmas like the rest of you suckers out there! But once my initial euphoria faded I realized that maybe flossing my teeth isn't really all that much to ask of a human, and in fact maybe I'm even a little on the half-assed side of Good. But how else could my prayers have been answered in such short order? Unless... that's right! I had tapped directly into
the source of all things Christmas, which means Santa Claus is none other than Katie Holmes.

Really, the question is how she kept it hidden so long with that little sidekick elf guy of hers hanging around all the time.

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