The single, solitary, measly hour of so-called free time I get per week, and I get to spend it removing body hair. I'm thrilled, really. Whee. Boy golly, I'll bet every man just wishes he could be so lucky as to do something solely for his wife's aesthetic enjoyment on Saturday nights rather than, say, play poker or something.
But seriously, one poorly-executed bout of brow tweezing in Junior High, and I'm pencilling in eyebrows for the rest of my natural life - why are my legs so sadistic? They thrive on this shit.
Alright, Step 1, wax warmed and stirred. Gaaa!, too hot, administer first aid to burnt thumb.
Step 2, yah yah, no lotions or whatever on my skin. Blah blah blah.
Step 3, pull skin taut.
Is that some sort of joke? The last time my skin was taut it didn't have hair. I am so not in the mood for irony right now. Where's the phone?
Thank you for calling _____, this is, like, Shanna talking.
Hi, LikeShanna. I have an issue with your product.
No sorry, it's just, like, Shanna.
Exactly. So about that issue with the product?
Okay! I can, like, totally help you out and stuff?
... ... Was that a question?
Can you help me?
Alright, if you say so. Listen, Step 3 is tripping me up a bit. It says I have to pull the skin taut.
That's the problem, Shanna. My skin doesn't do taut.
Like, what does that mean?
Sorry I don't speak Valley for you. I'll try to dumb it down a little: my skin. It's old. Not taut.
Um, can I like, put you on hold for a second?
Mitzy, hey? There's this, like, really old chick or something on the phone, and she's like, confused about her skin or something?
I can hear you. You didn't put me on hold.
What's wrong with her skin?
She says it can't be taut.
I can heeear yoooou.
Like, what does it need to know?
I dunno, but she sounds kinda scary. Do you think she's a Code 37: Bitter and Distorted?
Maybe she's a Code 29: Generally Angry.
I'm taking offense now.
Totally! I'll, like, read her the stuff out of the manual for that one. Hi again! This is, like, Shanna talking?
Hi, Shanna. I'm feeling Generally Angry right now.
No way! How did you know that? I was just going to read you the stuff out of the manual for that! Let me just find the page...
No offense, Shanna, but may I please speak to the manager?
... ... Um, can I speak to the manager today?
I am the manager!
Heaven help us.
Yah, it's totally awesome! I've been here, like, three weeks longer than anyone else, and also they said they needed more girls in management or they were going to get sued or something?
Your parents must be so proud.
They totally are! They keep saying to all their friends how glad they are that I'm not working at that place with all the owls or whatever?
You mean Hooters?
Yah, totally! I guess I'm like, allergic to birds or something, so they didn't want me to work there.
Hey, Shanna, it's a miracle, my problem just went away. 'Bye now.
No way! But I didn't get to read you...
One small step for Shanna, one giant leap backwards for the women's movement.
Bitter and distorted my ass.