The Best Medicine

Captain's bLog: 23 weeks.

Beneath Small Fry's typically tweenaged exterior lies the heart of a raging hypochondriac. Probably slightly arrhythmic, or at least that's what he would have you believe.

I say this as he weeps on the couch with fear of going to bed and never waking up again, due to secondary drowning. Never mind his distinct lack of primary drowning lately; it's the secondary drowning that he's concerned about. I am tough - oh, so tough - but I burst out laughing when he told me why he was upset, which only added insult to injury and now he probably hopes to secondary-drown on his own tears just to get back at me.

But oh my gawd, this kid. How could I not laugh? It reminds me of when he learned about Terry Fox in Grade One and came down with all manner of toe, foot and leg cancers for months afterward. I don't even know where the secondary drowning came from - maybe he overheard me say something in passing to DH? Normally we're quite careful about mentioning any illness or disease around Small Fry; y'know, after his big cancer scare and all.

Oh yes, he also makes me check his hair for lice all the time. (Honestly, probably not the worst idea, but still.)

As you can surely imagine, he is quite distraught over Covid-19 these days. I was showing him a neat chart about the kinds of pathogens alcohol-based hand sanitizer is effective against (in an attempt to assuage his fears about not always having access to soap and water) when he noticed poliovirus on the chart and I had to interrupt myself with an emergency broadcast: BE ADVISED THAT YOU DO NOT HAVE POLIO. I REPEAT, PLEASE DO NOT WORRY ABOUT POLIO, I WILL DEFINITELY LAUGH AT YOU IF YOU DO. Since the Covid has become A Whole Damn Thing we've talked at length about immune systems, hygiene measures, relative vs. absolute risk, vaccine development, media reporting of science, and so on and so forth. Mostly while I'm checking his hair for lice.

Pro: potential epidemiologist in the family! Con: OCD is more common than epidemiologists.
Pro: the child has never had a cavity. Con: he's very young to be so... weirdly old.
Pro: he lacks the means to stockpile toilet paper (WHY oh why are we stockpiling toilet paper, people?). Con: he probably would if he could.

I guess I'll end this by wishing everyone safety, and sanity, and all the toilet paper your heart (?) desires, in these trying times. May your apples keep the doctors away, and may the odds be ever in your favour.