Wednesday, July 13, 2011

It's Only Onychophagia

I've been a nail-biter my whole life. For real - as far back as I can remember, someone was yelling at me to stop biting my nails. Probably been doing it since I first had teeth.

I've tried everything I can think of: nail polish; mittens; snapping a rubber band on my wrist. (Which sucks, by the way, but if I can deal with the pain of mauling my own fingernails a little rubber band isn't going to make a difference.) I've even developed a habit of sitting on one hand while I drive with the other - not sure if this is a better habit than nail-biting, but you can at least tell I'm trying. Trying to DEATH!

You know, I had absolutely no problem quitting smoking - something that's actually addictive - so you'd think that nail-biting of all things would be an easy fix. Wrong! I figure that the difference is, if I don't go to the store to buy cigarettes I just won't have them to smoke, whereas laziness and cheapness just aren't adequate disincentives when it comes to fingernails: they're always there, and they're always free.

Medium Fry discovered the solution at the drugstore the other day: an incredibly bitter liquid that you paint on to your nails like nail polish. It is so intensely bitter and disgusting that even a dedicated nail-biter like myself can't work through it. Simply apply once a day and presto - no biting.

Although it doesn't wash or flake off, the extreme bitterness in the polish transfers readily to other objects, and therefore may have the unintended consequence of curing me of several other habits I've picked up over the years. Like flossing.

And lunch.

And sex.

It's like having the Midas touch, but less lucrative.

Now, I don't much care for the looks of my mangled fingertips, but I do like lunch, and I really like flossing. DH HATES that I bite my nails, but he's enough of a tightwad that my springing for gel nails (an effective, but admittedly pricey, deterrent) really annoys him... and then there's that last item on the list.

Which brings us to an impasse.

Odds are 10:1 in favour of supporting my local nail salon. Stay tuned for results of today's match.

No comments:

Post a Comment