Spoonful of Sugar

It's been one of those weeks. One of those weeks. You know the ones I mean - the ones where you buy 42 extra lotto tickets, and when they don't pay off you begin to fantasize in earnest about other means by which you wouldn't have to go back to work on Monday.

But I'm a woman of high standards, and I'm not going to give up massage therapy and name-brand ketchup just so I don't have to go out and get a paycheque. I'm not particularly fond of nausea or vomiting, so illness is out. And, while an "accidental" pregnancy would guarantee me a year off at some future date, a) I'd still have to go to work on Monday, and b) DH has been fixed, so he's likely to frown upon any extracurricular measures I'd have to undertake just for the sake of a maternity leave down the road.

Oh, yeah, and c) more stretch marks?;
d) more children?;
e) my poor vuvuzela!

Pregnancy is definitely out.

A non-fatal injury would be nice. Ideally this injury could occur at work, resulting in some sort of paid leave, but I haven't been able to muster more than a paper cut since I quit doing field work. I don't want anything too serious - I mean, I want to enjoy my hospital stay, right? - but no shitty minor flesh wounds that wouldn't preclude my sitting at a desk, either. That would be just my luck. Hey, maybe I could arrange for an emergency surgery of some sort - I know this dude who got six weeks off work, over a measly burst appendix! Let's see, I'll need something that won't result in permanent dismemberment, disfigurement or disability... something that will require me to be waited on hand and foot, for at least a couple of weeks... something for which I can be prescribed opiates... and Jell-O...

Good day. I am out of the office on medical leave for an emergency abdominoplasty and eyelash tint, returning in approximately six weeks' time. If your need is urgent, please contact someone else to deal with it; if it can wait until my return, it's clearly not all that important and will be duly ignored on my return.