Saturday, September 25, 2010

Doctor's Orders

"Good morning, Ms. Frecklepelt. Thank you for coming in."

"Thanks for seeing me, Doctor. Is everything okay?"

"Well, your test results are in - it looks as if we may have an explanation for the, er, lack of energy you've been experiencing recently."

"Hey, that's great. Wait a minute - is it great? What's going on?"

"As you're aware, we did some standard blood work, plus some additional testing based on your description of the symptoms you've been experiencing - utter blah-ness, blogging deadbeat, fantasies about becoming ill just so you can take a vacation - I believe you referred to it as 'Augxhausted'?"

"Yep, that sounds like something I'd say."

"Ms. Frecklepelt, the good news is that most of your results - cholesterol, fasting blood sugar, TSH - came back normal. Which is good - overall, you're healthy. However, it does appear as if your GAS-F levels are dangerously low."


"My apologies - that's medical lingo for Give-A-Shit Factor."

"Oh my goodness - that sounds just like me! It sounds pretty serious, Doc, but at the same time I'm almost relieved to finally have a name for how I've been feeling all this time."

"It's perfectly normal to feel that way, Ms. Frecklepelt - in fact, most patients who are diagnosed with this condition say more or less the same thing when they hear the news."

"Most - most patients? You mean there are more people out there like me?"

"Of course. It's a surprisingly common disorder, but it does seem to carry some stigma in a society that encourages a very 'Type-A' personality, which is likely why you haven't heard of it before."

"Will I need medication? Is there some sort of support group I could join?"

"You could always try amphetamines and Red Bull for a little pick-me-up if you wish, but frankly I prefer a less traditional approach - more holistic, you might say."

"Hmm, I am trying to cut back on my street drug usage - let's try holistic."

"Excellent. Some studies have implicated prolonged high stress levels in diminishing GAS-F levels. In someone like yourself, whose levels appear to be naturally, er, reduced, my feeling is that it wouldn't take much to push you over the edge."

"So they key is to reduce stress? Do you have any idea how busy I am? What kind of bullshit prescription is that?!"

"Frankly Ms. Frecklepelt, it's not really a viable option for most people. As such, I recommend a combination of weekly bitch sessions with a trusted friend or colleague, and to increase your therapeutic wine intake. Aim for two, maybe three, bottles per week. You're likely to see the greatest benefit from this treatment if you consume the wine while bitching. I suspect that, even among your peer group, you will find others who are similarly afflicted with low GAS-F; they may offer the greatest insight and support to you as you embark on your treatment."

"Doctor, thank you so much for all your advice - I can't wait to start my treatment. I just have one more question."

"Certainly - go ahead."

"Why did I need to be naked for this consultation?"

"No reason at all. I simply enjoy seeing people in those little backless robes. Good day."

1 comment:

  1. LOL Feel free to call anytime for a bitching session!