Monday, April 5, 2010

If Wives Ruled the World...

Bailiff: All rise! The Honourable Justice Peltigera presiding... you may now be seated.

Justice Peltigera: We'll hear the argument now in AB2884092, Spouse vs. Spouse.

Thank you, Your Honour. Your Honour, may it please the court: my client is before you this morning charging that the defendant, Mister D. Husband, has failed to uphold the terms and conditions of Unspoken Spousal Agreement Number 4,562.

JP: Can you inform the court of the specific nature of the Agreement?

Yes, Your Honour. Clause 3.1.2 of Unspoken Spousal Agreement Number 4,562, a.k.a. the New Socks and Underwear Purchase Agreement, states that: the recipient of new underwear shall discard or destroy a quantity of existing underwear, not less than the quantity of new underwear purchased for or otherwise provided to him, regardless of its status as potential 'camping underwear' or 'cleaning rags', or any other possible imaginable reason he could come up with for keeping the rotten old things around.

JP: Please specify the charges to the court.

On March 31, 2010, the plaintiff purchased a total of ten new pair of underwear for the defendant. On April 3, 2010, the defendant was found by the plaintiff to have squirrelled away four pair of decrepit old underwear, in direct violation of Clause 3.1.2 of the New Socks and Underwear Purchase Agreement.

JP: And what kind of underwear did the plaintiff purchase?

Boxer briefs, Your Honour.

JP: Because they're the hottest.

Agreed, Your Honour.

JP: Mr. Husband, how to you plead to these charges?

*grumble, grumble*

JP: Mr. Husband, kindly state your plea clearly for the court.

I was just saving them for camping...

JP: Based on the conditions stated in Clause 3.1.2 of the New Socks and Underwear Purchase Agreement, Mr. Husband, your response would constitute a guilty plea. Am I interpreting your statement correctly?

*grumble, grumble* I guess so.

JP: Thank you. If you have no further statement, Mr. Husband, we will proceed with sentencing.

*grumble, grumble* Whatever.

JP: After much deliberation, the court rules in favour of the plaintiff, Mrs. Darling Wife. The couple is found to have income sufficient to warrant the occasional purging of natty undergarments. The defendant is sentenced to discarding all remaining pair of gross old gotch, in addition to that ridiculous blue shirt that he bought at Value Village ten years ago that is now full of holes and has one pocket falling off.

Bailiff: All rise! ... Court is adjourned.


  1. I'm never getting rid pf that shirt.

  2. Oh my god! The stories you could write about my darlings sock drawer!
    One whole drawer dedicated to socks....none of which are ever rolled together as a pair...
    All completely match to be found.....just a nasty sock orgy in the third drawer......It truely is awful!

  3. Hey, I laughed and laughed! Gotta hear about the other unspoken agreements. I'm sure I've got a few that Jer doesn't know about.