Thursday, April 15, 2010

He's Got Radioactive Something, Anyways

Oh, crap. Oh, crap. Don't sit here don't sit here don't sit here oooohhhh, gawd - why can't you find someone else with stinky breath and go sit with them? You could bathe each other in tender plumes of your noxious exhaust. It would be super romantic. Really. Go away now.

Gum disease. Wet peanut butter. Quarter Pounder for lunch. I can see bad breath coming from a C-Train length away, yet I'm powerless to stop it. I'm like SpiderMan when his glue-gun thingers quit working! Except mine never worked, but I can totally imagine how awesome it would be if they did work, so I'm equally frustrated.

Why couldn't Calgary Transit hand out a pack of dental floss free with purchase of a transit pass? It's not like they spend their money on keeping the buses in good working order or anything.

I can't believe that society is willing to make fragrance-related concessions for people with 'sensitivities', but not odor-related concessions. For example, I'm not allowed to wear pleasantly-scented underarm deodorant to the gym because some fruitloop has convinced herself Spring Breeze affects her more adversely than Unadultered Armpit, but people are allowed to regularly subject me to the horrifying stench of their gums rotting out of their face. Appalling. Sure, moving a toothbrush around your mouth on ocasion is almost as much a chore as thoroughly wiping your ass (yep, the world can smell that too, my friend), but the fact is, even if you don't want to brush your teeth, there are any number of delicious, cost-effective and readily available alternatives to stinking! TicTac, anyone?

My philosophy is this: always be kissable. Hey, you never know when some random hottie is going to need to make out with you in an elevator!

Then again, maybe you do, and that time is never. I can't deny that's a pretty reasonable assessment of your charms, Dragon Breath, however - much like you're guaranteed not to win the lotto if you don't buy a ticket - nine out of ten oral hygienists agree that halitosis takes you right out of the running.


  1. My heart goes out to you, I've been there! Gum anyone?

  2. Brings back some awful memories. You just can't escape the stench.