I'll Take 'Dentists Are Bastards' for Six Thousand, Alex

A: Two-thirty
Q: What's a dentist's favourite time?

'Cause when your tooth is hurty, they can really go in for the kill. I've heard tell they can suck your wallet right up through your jawbone.

I've said before I'm not a big conspiracy theorist, but when my two thousand dollar dental crown of barely a year ago completely shattered and left me with holding the bill for a four thousand dollar dental implant, I got the distinct sense I had been - 'ow you say? - screwed-over. If that had been a car part, I could have had the shoddy workmanship refunded or replaced under warranty. Because it was a dentist, it's thank-you-may-I-have-another and I'll be back to fork over more bucks in six months.

I repeat: dentists are bastards.

On the bright side, now I'm a cyborg. This calls for a pointier bra!

And hey, on that note, a quick internet search reveals that for six grand, I could have skipped the bicuspid implant and gone straight for some breast impl... bwahahahaha! Man, I couldn't even type that with a straight face. But, say, a tummy tuck? No laughing matter! Should have yanked the damn tooth when it first started giving me trouble ("Let that be a warning to the rest of youse!") and started saving up.

I'm sure there's a fable in there somewhere. Or at least a country song... hmm, nope, can't quite put my finger on it. Anyways, one thing I know for sure is that I'm not letting my babies grow up to be cowboys. It's dentistry all the way for them.

(Hear that, kids? Momma needs a new BMW.)