Shaved Hams

Captain's bLog: 15 weeks.

Despite having over four years to prepare for this trip, I have found myself woefully un- or under-prepared for a great many things - not least of which has been my inability to get out of my own way when it comes to attempting to communicate. Most of the things have been relatively minor: I wish I had smuggled over a box or two of KD to alleviate Small Fry's loneliness for home, for instance. I wish I had spritzed my scarves with my perfume before packing them. I wish I had known that messy buns are not a "thing" in France so I could have tried to figure out a second hairstyle in my entire life.

These are all practical examples, but there have also been things for which I was not emotionally or - for lack of a better term - "psychically" prepared: The insane driving speeds and bewildering road signage in Germany. That I would become very bored, very quickly, with my mix & match travel wardrobe, and be unable to shake the daily dissatisfaction I feel at each rehash of the eight or so outfits I have on hand. The shocking number of pig legs on display in Spain.

You may think I'm joking about that last bit, but I truly cannot overstate how many pig legs there are here. They are hanging on walls and in windows, laid out on countertops, and standing on racks in the aisles at grocery stores like so many meaty guitars - display one on your own wall today! (Or: jam out with your ham out.) (I'm still working on the ad campaign.) I even saw one that had been 'planted' decoratively in a terracotta pot. Or at least I think it was a decoration - all of the legs are displayed out in the open, so it could have been a cool new way to serve it up for all I know. Given the abundance of open-air pig legs in the typically cozy quarters of wee old town shops, it feels as if there is a constant risk of snagging your scarf on a trotter. Not to mention food poisoning. I'm not convinced the air is even vegetarian in most of these establishments, which I guess would be cool if you were giving up meat for Lent and wanted to sneak one past God, but for the rest of the time, is inhaling that much cured meat... healthy?

No doubt about it, pig legs are as much a part of the scenery here as ham is part of the diet.

In French class in middle school, we each had to give a little presentation about how we got ready for school in the morning. One girl said she shaved her jambons every day, and as retribution for laying that bullshit beauty standard on a bunch of 12-year-old kids, for 30 years I have been joking "gotta shave my hams!" every time I need to shave my jambes. In the event I ever decide to enter into politics, I would like to preemptively apologize for my decades of cultural insensitivity in this matter: here in Catalunya, one just might shave one's hams every day.