Friday, March 4, 2016

Faked Potatoes

I'm just gonna say this one time, and I expect to never have to say it again, understand? I'm gonna say it in my sternest Mom Voice to really get the point across: I'm pissed, I mean business, don't fuck with me on this. Ready?

Cauliflower is not and never will be an acceptable substitute for actual delicious foods.

What is with this cauliflower "flatbread" and "pizza crust" b.s. I keep seeing everywhere? Cauliflower "mac and cheese"? Cauliflower "mashed potatoes"?! That's fricking sacrilege. And y'know what else, stop saying "Oh it's so good, it's just like the real thing, you just have to try it!" and other such nonsense. I have tried it, and it is clearly not mashed potatoes, it's cauliflower in drag. Mashed potatoes are like a warm, buttery hug for your feelings. Mashed cauliflower is like a grainy, watery kick in the ass when you're already down.

I don't care if it's low in carbohydrates. I'm eating mashed potatoes because I want carbohydrates. Fluffy carbohydrates. Lots of them. What the hell have you got against carbohydrates, anyway? You want less carbohydrates? Eat fewer mashed potatoes, fool, don't completely throw the spuds out with the cooking water and then aggressively Pinterest-shame the rest of the world into doing it too.

But never mind how I feel about this nonsense - how does cauliflower feel about it? Cauliflower will never be potatoes, and that's okay - cauliflower should just be itself. I mean, no one really likes cauliflower, but you know what they like even less? A phony. Quit trying to make cauliflower something it's not. It's not even coming close to passing the... whatever the potato equivalent of the Turing Test is. Tater Test? Tuber Test? Whatever. You're giving it a complex. Cut it out right now.

And while you're out messing around with cauliflower, you are neglecting your once-beautiful relationship with your old friends pizza, mac & cheese and mashed potatoes. How do you think they felt when you ditched them for the skinny, trendy bitch on the block? After all the times they helped you celebrate holidays, feed your movers, numb yourself after a shitty week at work? They were there for you all through your childhood, then they kept you alive on a budget through college, and then the relationship came full circle when they were there for your kids' formative years, too. How could you just ghost on them like that? That's cold, man. Cold.

Listen, I get it - you've been with them for, like, literally your entire life and maybe you wanted to try a little sumpin' new. But you didn't have to dump them like that. Surely there's room for another dish at the table, if you know what I mean.

I've chatted with them all and - lucky you - they're willing to forgive and forget, so I've got a plan for you to make it up to them: Friday night, you invite pizza over for supper - just like the old days, y'know? Saturday, catch up over brunch with mac & cheese. Sunday, toss a nice roast in the slow cooker and promise mashed potatoes extra butter, just like they like, if they'll come join you for dinner. It's tradition.

You can even have a little cauliflower on the side if you want. Florets; steamed; cheese sauce. Just like nature intended.

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