Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Whingey Smurf

Hey, everyone! Guess what this is!

Gotcha, you perverts! It's not a Smurf penis at all. It's a neti pot spout:

You know, one of those things people use to flush their sinuses out. Sounds like utter quackery, I know, but apparently daily nasal enemas are a legitimate treatment for some kinds of chronic nose troubles. Which I don't suffer from myself so I can't give you any examples.

But *someone* in my house does have chronic nose troubles. (Actually, more than one someone in my house might, but I don't think a neti pot is going to help Small Fry keep his exploratory instincts at bay.) Let's call this someone... ummm... Smadrian. To protect his privacy. Yesterday, Smadrian got his first neti pot - it was prescribed by his physician.

But let's back up a bit. Ever dealt with One of Those People who clearly don't have enough perspective on life? Like, mountain-out-of-molehill people, or have-never-had-a-day's-troubles people, or men, like, in general? Well, Smadrian happens to be the latter sort of person. And it is this rather fundamental characteristic of his being that results in an inherent lack of perspective in some crucial matters. He has never, for instance, given birth, had intravenous medication, had an epidural, been catheterized (all four of which sometimes occur simultaneously, in my experience), been examined with the aid of a speculum, been regularly bombarded by the amorous advances of certain fleshy male appendages... y'know, those sorts of things. Invasive sorts of things. Here are images of some those things - please take a moment to compare them to the comparatively innocuous neti spout pictured above.

Wait a minute, what the hell is THAT?

Whose lousy idea was this anyway?

WHERE do you want to put that?!

In what I view as a direct result of never having been "invaded" in his life, Smadrian is terrified of using his neti pot. Terrified. He actually yelled at me for talking about using the neti pot, which is why I decided to write this story. I mean, hide his name in this story.

I had only this to say:

All. The places. You have wished to insert your penis over the years, and you are afraid of a wee little Smurf dick resting near your nostril and gently flushing your sinuses with a small quantity of sterile saline solution?

Woman up, you giant wuss.

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