Bad Captain

Mother's Day takes a lot of preparation: the kids had to make weird crap out of clay and macaroni, DH had to find something to buy me at Superstore the night before, and I had to scramble to do all the housework and laundry on Saturday so the Fam could very magnanimously "give me the day off" on Sunday. Whew! Yup, Mother's Day is tough on everyone.

I'm kidding, of course. Mostly. In reality, I celebrated Mother's Day this year by leaving the dreaded whites load for someone else to fold (hehehe, suck-ah); planting my vegetable garden; and the ancient art of blending shit with coconut rum and getting hammocked in my hammer.

Wait... what? Never mind. The point is, who gets drunk on Sunday afternoon? No one, right? That's right.

At some point in the day I came down with a serious hankering for strawberry shortcake. Being a respectable German-ish girl and all, I already had whipping cream on standby in the fridge, but darn it I was fresh out of strawberries. And, y'know, shortcake. So I lurched gracefully out of my hammock, dusted the larger clods of garden soil off of myself and hopped in the car. 

Remember that time I said that no one gets drunk on Sunday afternoon and you agreed with me? Right. Well. This is the exact sort of cognitive sloppiness by which I came to be stranded, on Mother's Day, beside my perfectly operational vehicle in the Co-op parking lot, covered in dirt and clutching a quart of strawberries. It simply didn't occur to me until that point that I probably shouldn't have driven anywhere in the first place. Very goat-and-cabbage, except in this case the boat totally had enough room to get everyone across the river in one go, if only the damn captain hadn't been marinating herself in Malibu all afternoon.

Crap.

Anyway, I eventually made it home, ate the Strawberry Shortcake of Secret Shame, and while I'm already confessing I figure I should say one more thing: Hi, Amy. Your bottle of Malibu rum elected to stay at my house on Friday night. I was going to bring it back to you but it, um, got all empty somehow. Hope you don't mind.