I've been naughty lately. Soooo naughty. Alllll night long.
To look at me you might never know, but for a certain je ne sais quoi in my smile...
Yup, I've been grinding my teeth. Hey, who knew.
Hey, my dentist did. So, super anti-climactic story short, I am now the proud (?) owner-operator of a night guard.
The kids couldn't stop laughing. No matter what you say or how sternly you say it, with a night guard in it's a fact of nature that you're going to sound like Daffy Duck, spraying spittle and all. Which is probably why they don't call it an "evening guard" or a "late-afternoon guard": you need to be 100% coherent at those prime yelling-at-your-kids times of day or they're just not going to take you seriously.
Night guards also have a super hawt bonus feature where your face doesn't quite close all the way so you wind up drooling on yourself slightly. Like, Saint Bernard slightly. But since I'm an optimist I'm always looking out for the positive angle:
"Hey thweety, doeth thith thing make me look younger?"
"Do you mean the night guard or the bib, Mom?"
"The night guard, thmart ath. And it'th not a bib, it'th a thcarf."
"Oh, sorry, it just looks a lot like a tea towel."
"An abthorbent thcarf then. Gawd, it'th all about themanticth with you lately, ithn't it? Now quit hathling me and anther the quethchun."
"Uhhh, no. You look mostly the same but kindof a little, like, weirder or something. Why do you ask?"