I hate diets. They're always trying to make you eat salad, which I hate even more than diets. It's not even that salad in itself is all that bad, it's just that - since I've spent more or less my entire adult life on a diet - I've grown to seriously resent having to eat the shit. It just doesn't rev my reward centres the way a hunk of good chocolate can, and - evolutionarily speaking - that's gotta say something.
Trouble is, if you think about it long enough you realize that damn near everything is actually salad. And let me tell you: with about fifteen years of adult (i.e., dieting) life on the clock, I've had a lot of time to think about it. Case in point:
Casseroles? Stir frys? Ain't nuthin' but hot salads.
Sandwiches? Wraps? You haven't mixed 'em well enough.
Soups? Smoothies? Uh, you mixed 'em too much.
In addition to being generally unpalatable, given the advanced civilization we live in, salad is actually something of an embarrassment - it's just a pile of ingredients! Half the time they haven't even been cooked! Dude, humans discovered fire about a zillion years ago - why the hell are we still serving up plates of uncooked foliage? If someone asked you for a masterpiece would you give them a can of paint?
Of course not.
Here at the top of the food chain, all I'm asking is for someone else to do the work of turning those ingredients into something more delectable and calorically-dense. Steak, for instance. Or cheesecake. Now there's the masterpiece I had in mind!
Thanks, Vincent van Cow - keep up the great work!