A Life of Pie

I share custody of a pair of Nomex with this guy at work. His name is Big Bill. (The Nomex, that is, not the guy.) Neither of us have ever worn Big Bill, but it makes us feel somehow more... official to have him on hand. (And by official I mean, less like wussy office dwellers.) So we toss Big Bill in the back of a work truck from time to time and cart him around the countryside, making Tim the Toolman grunts and feeling all relevant to the world, yet never having to suffer the myriad indignities of actually wearing Nomex. The best of both worlds!

So when the safety plan for my field work this week told me that, in order to safely traverse some gently rolling grassy fields, I needed to wear about seventeen pieces of Personal Protective Equipment - including Nomex - I went right ahead and exerted my end of the custodial arrangement. Just as I was giving Big Bill a hug and telling him what a fun day he was going to have with mommy, it hit me: Big Bill is a bit of a misnomer. Big Bill is rather more along the lines of medium.

Or maybe even small.

And I'm, you know, not.

Seems that, while I'd had the presence of mind to share custody of a pair of Nomex with someone more or less my own height, I had never really considered whether there was any difference in our respective, er, circumferences - and let's just say that I've multiplied my diameter by a whole lot more pie than my esteemed coworker has. And I was leaving town in just a few short hours...

*ring ring*

"Marks Work WearHouse, Garrett speaking. Can I help you?"

"Hi, Garrett. I'm interested in purchasing some of your Ladies' Nomex."

"We certainly have some in stock, ma'am, would you like me to put some aside for you until you can make it in to the store?"

"Yes, please. May I have the tummy control panel and built-in shelf bra option, please? Oh, and I look so much better in green, it really sets off my skin tone, let's just do a nice fern or jade instead of that godawful blue for a change."

"... ..."

"I can tell by your silence that you're having trouble with the green - it's okay, I know you menfolk have difficulty with colour words, really it's a small price to pay for being straight don't you think? Honestly, anything but chartreuse is fine. Don't be shy. Use your discretion."

"Ma'am, I don't - I don't have any idea what you're talking about. Did you just request a tummy control panel?"

"Why, yes, it's a bit of a trouble spot for me, you know, and..."

"I'm sorry ma'am, nothing like that exists."

"Why - why, that's terrible, Garrett! What on earth kind of options do you have?"

"We carry both the 'Shapeless Lump' and the 'Saggy Crotch' models, in sizes from 'Room for Three' to 'Pinch the Tip Before You Roll 'Em On'. Blue is standard on all models."

"Well, I'm terribly disappointed in your selection, Garrett, but I'm in a bit of a rush so I don't really have time to comparison shop. It's much like a first marriage that way. Can I at least get some of those excellent slits on the sides, so when I try to put anything in my pocket it actually just falls straight into my boot?"

"Yes, ma'am, that's another of our fabulous standard features."

"Great, thanks. I'll swing by to pick them up shortly."

Sadly, Big Bill remains a field virgin. But really, it's best that I have my own pair now - it's unspeakably rude to pee on someone else's sleeve.