Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Health Spending

You may have already noticed by now, but I just love formulating pseudoscientific explanations for things. It's actually one of the biggest perks of my current occupation - proving once again massage benefits aren't the only reason I go to work.

Though I have always felt that old 'sex versus chocolate' question was a moot point - how about massage versus ice cream? Oooh, I get tingles of terror just thinking about being made to choose! But before I get too frightened, I simply remind myself there is a Dairy Queen situated directly adjacent to my massage therapist's office, and my world is righted.

Why, it was just yesterday when I last lay on a massage table, being pummelled into a blissfully gelatinous state while visions of dilly bars danced in my head. When my time was up, I forked over my (fully refundable!) eighty bucks and oozed straight over to DQ. My loonies were practically in the register when I recalled a conversation I'd had with DH earlier in the week - and found I suddenly couldn't stomach the thought of eating all those creamy little calories.

I know, terrible, right? Ice cream is like, my favourite food group. What could he have said to upset me so? Well, let me tell you: the bastard told me I was immense. Immense! What kind of horrible dumbass tells his delicate flower of a wife that she is immense? I didn't know whether to burst into tears or punch him in the face.

And it's a good thing the indecision slowed me down, because what he actually said was 'a mess'.

Which was true - I was cooking several messy things at once and was thoroughly spattered with flour, whipping cream and pasta sauce. But it got me thinking - well, a couple of things, really. First of all, that it's a good thing I always wear an apron, and secondly, that if you had a really quality comeback, you wouldn't have to resort to assaulting people every time they called you immense.

I put on my best thinking panties, and the results from my quest are in. Minions, I present for your consideration: three previously untapped, solidly pseudo-scientific explanations for the next time anyone suggests you might be anything less than perfectly willowy.

"It's a superior mirage, dumbass - there's a really strong inversion layer today."
"You dumbass, haven't you ever heard of thermal expansion due to global warming?"
"I'm in my perigee phase. Dumbass."

Enjoy. I'm heading out for a dipped cone.

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