Liquefaction

Dear Santa,

I have been a moderately decent human this year. Please bring me the willpower to lose ten pounds before Christmas.

Thanks,

Frecklepelt

Dear Frecklepelt,

My records indicate that you have in fact achieved your stated level of mediocrity over the past year. Thank you for your honesty, anyways. 

Unfortunately, willpower is on back order until the year 3000. In lieu of your requested item, enclosed is a really wicked stomach flu which may help you achieve your goal.

Sincerely,

Santa