It Ain't for Sissies

At first, the signs were subtle. If you weren't paying attention you wouldn't even notice them.

Then one day you walk out of the liquor store and think, Gee, that guy didn't even ask to see my ID when I bought this.

In fact, you realize that you can't think of the last time anyone asked for your ID.

Or, for that matter, your phone number.

Oh my gawd, you think. How long has this been going on? How far gone am I?

Maybe it was just the lighting. Yeah, the lighting. The lighting in that place was total shit.

You rush home and scrutinize yourself in a magnifying mirror. You discover what appears to be - although the sighting has not been confirmed - something resembling a line on your forehead. A permanent line.

Although it could have just been the lighting in your bathroom. The lighting in your bathroom is total shit.

Just to be safe, you make an emergency appointment with your hairdresser to get some side bangs.

But by the time it reaches this point, no amount of side bangs can help you. The signs start coming hard and fast, and all of them are pointing to one thing: Old. Here are some handy ways to know if you've arrived at Old:

- The pimply young grocery store clerk calls you "ma'am".
- Actually, everyone does.
- It takes you two months to fully recover from an all-nighter.
- "Now why did I come upstairs...?"
- You're in a long-distance relationship with your breasts.
- Your idea of a good time is a glass of red and a nap.
- It requires conscious effort to refrain from buying purple clothing.
- Your tweezing schedule has begun to interfere with your social life.
- You could swear that chocolate bars used to be way bigger.
- If someone would just get you some fucking coffee right now, no one would have to get hurt.
- Mascara has changed in your estimation from special-occasion accent to indispensable crutch.
- Someone of the opposite sex compliments your appearance and you become faint with gratitude.
- You used to be free to flirt with abandon, but now you're pretty sure you're going to be arrested for the dirty joke you just told that handsome young fellow.
- And, finally:

Frankly, Old is a scary place, and I'd like some company - if any of the above sound familiar, give me a shout. I'm thinking we could start a support group.